Director: Stuart Beattie
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Length: 92 Minutes
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I… Forgot What Film I was In…
Some films just have the wackiest premise. Take Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter for instance. You take one of the most renowned United States Presidents of all time and throw him into an action film with a bunch of ancient bloodsuckers as the antagonists. In Jaws: The Revenge, a unthinking, unfeeling, godless killing machine from the depths of the ocean decides to harass the widow of a man who blew up one of its distant cousins over a decade past. On paper, and in practice, these films seem so ridiculously silly, that it is hard to imagine anyone having greenlit or financed such a turd. Yet, inexplicably, these movies are still made and watched, and in some cases, even appreciated.
Now, I must admit that going into I, Frankenstein, I had already basically made up my mind about what I would think about the movie. This certainly isn’t a good approach, especially when you’re trying to write an objective analysis and review, but years of going to the movies and a brief stint in film school have left me somewhat jaded. However, within five minutes, all my preconceived notions were set aside as I beheld one of the most unexpected and ridiculous spectacles I’ve seen in some time.
The first five minutes of the film serves as a rough retelling of Mary Shelly’s classic tale. We are introduced to Aaron Eckhart’s gravel voiced version of The Creature. After Dr. Frankenstein dies, The Creature goes to bury him in his family’s cemetery, but mid funeral he is interrupted by a pack of… demons…?
The Creature fends off several of the demons with a crude and pointy wooden crucifix and makes a valiant effort, but he’s almost overwhelmed. Suddenly, flying to his aid are a pair of… animate gargoyles…?
It was at this point in the film that I forgot exactly what I was watching. I knew the film had something to do with Frankenstein’s Monster, but where in the nine circles of hell did the demons and gargoyles come from? The movie kept playing, in spite of my confusion. So the Gargoyles rescue him and return him to the headquarters of The Order of Gargoyles (LOL) and the Gargoyle Queen (Miranda Otto). The Gargoyle Queen (LAWLS) informs the Creature of the spiritual war that wages all around the world in secret. The Archangel Michael, sensing a rising evil in the world, created the Order, comprised mostly of angelic beings disguised as gargoyles, to protect humanity.
Meanwhile, 666 legions of vicious demons in human form plotted to overthrow the Gargoyles somehow and sparked a holy war. As it turns out, both Gargoyle and Demon kind are just as mortal as humans, and they can be destroyed by either “ascending” the Gargoyles, or “descending” the Demons (which is the film’s way of saying “killing”). As a result of this, both sides have suffered heavy casualties, especially the Demons. The Creature is given weapons and an opportunity to fight beside the Gargoyles, but he refuses and instead spends the next 200 years hunting Demons on his own.
Flash forward to the present day and the Demon’s chief commander on Earth, Prince Naberius (Bill Nighy), puts a human scientist (Yvonne Strahovski) to work on uncovering the secret of Frankenstein’s science so he can create an army of empty, reanimated vessels for his fallen soldiers to possess. Both learn of the real Creature’s existence and soon the Creature, now dubbed Adam by the Gargoyle Queen (LAWLercoaster), becomes a commodity hotter than cocaine in Brian De Palma’s writing room. As the race to capture and contain Adam heats up on both sides, he must decide where he stands and how he will protect the pretty blonde scientist that he looks at with slightly less disdain than everything else.
For an action blockbuster with a premise that out of control, this film takes itself FAR too seriously. There’s not even a hint of tongue in cheek. Every line is delivered with a deadpan, monotonous certainty, for what I assume, is an attempt to add some validity and impact to a totally bonkers film. Without any hint of realization about itself, the serious tone of the movie just suggests that everyone involved in writing and producing it was flat out dumb. Even stone sober action films like The Dark Knight Rises and Die Hard had an element of comedy to them to lighten the load and let you know that the filmmakers want you to have as much fun watching it as they did making it. This is utterly absent from this film, and is absolutely the greatest pitfall in the whole movie.
That’s not to say I didn’t laugh. Quite the contrary. I giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl every time someone said Order of Gargoyles (ROFL) or Gargoyle Queen (LMFAO). Equally laughable are the Demon effects, the love story subplot, and the acting. The Demons are literally guys in very cheesy prosthetics that growl and dance around like apes from the Planet of the Apes remake with Marky Mark. None of them were intimidating in the slightest, which in turn, ruins any drama in the action scenes. The Gargoyles are a little more fearsome looking, which is funny considering they’re really angels or some shit, but instead of being practically done, they’re 100% CGI. And not good CGI either.
The love story literally consists of two scenes that, in total, make up about two and a half minutes of the film. There’s a scene where Adam is injured and the lovely Ms. Strahovski’s character (who’s name eludes me) patches him up. Just before she begins, Adam removes his shirt, and the most hilarious look passes over her face. It’s a combination of, “Dayum!” and the look a child gets when they pet a horse’s ass at a petting zoo and the horse shits on their hand without warning. For a moment her face is a stew of confusion, lust, and disbelief, which had my laughs echoing off the empty theater walls. Believe it or not, that’s about as far as the characters come to expressing their feelings for one another, which is funny, because another later scene builds on that baffling moment as the foundation for a change of heart on Adam’s part. There’s no chemistry, sparks, champagne, romantic walks, good dialouge, or even fucking to really show that these two give a damn. Just two brief instances of profound awkwardness.
The rest of the cast seems to just be going through the motions. Bill Nighy is the liveliest of the bunch, and plays a bit with his poorly written lines, but he still felt stiff. Miranda Otto, Queen of Gargoyles (WAHAHAHAHA), makes good use of her sad Eowyn face for a vast majority of her parts. The rest of the time she’s replaced by a creepily masculine lady gargoyle. Think female bodybuilder with a bull shark testosterone problem. The tertiary characters are totally unremarkable, and even Yvonne Strahovski brings nothing to the table except her devastatingly good looks. Aaron Eckhart looks perpetually constipated when he’s doing anything other than slaughtering beasties, and his gruff voice overs and one liners are devoid of… well everything.
By the end of the film I had tired of the formula of ten minutes of non stop action followed by five minutes of lengthy, boring exposition as the rules of the world these characters inhabit were dictated like a chant in the weakest attempt at world building I’ve ever seen. Although, at the end, there’s set up for a sequel, which gave me another hearty laugh…
Some films just have the wackiest premise. Take Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter for instance. You take one of the most renowned United States Presidents of all time and throw him into an action film with a bunch of ancient bloodsuckers as the antagonists. In Jaws: The Revenge, a unthinking, unfeeling, godless killing machine from the depths of the ocean decides to harass the widow of a man who blew up one of its distant cousins over a decade past. On paper, and in practice, these films seem so ridiculously silly, that it is hard to imagine anyone having greenlit or financed such a turd. Yet, inexplicably, these movies are still made and watched, and in some cases, even appreciated.
Now, I must admit that going into I, Frankenstein, I had already basically made up my mind about what I would think about the movie. This certainly isn’t a good approach, especially when you’re trying to write an objective analysis and review, but years of going to the movies and a brief stint in film school have left me somewhat jaded. However, within five minutes, all my preconceived notions were set aside as I beheld one of the most unexpected and ridiculous spectacles I’ve seen in some time.
The first five minutes of the film serves as a rough retelling of Mary Shelly’s classic tale. We are introduced to Aaron Eckhart’s gravel voiced version of The Creature. After Dr. Frankenstein dies, The Creature goes to bury him in his family’s cemetery, but mid funeral he is interrupted by a pack of… demons…?
The Creature fends off several of the demons with a crude and pointy wooden crucifix and makes a valiant effort, but he’s almost overwhelmed. Suddenly, flying to his aid are a pair of… animate gargoyles…?
It was at this point in the film that I forgot exactly what I was watching. I knew the film had something to do with Frankenstein’s Monster, but where in the nine circles of hell did the demons and gargoyles come from? The movie kept playing, in spite of my confusion. So the Gargoyles rescue him and return him to the headquarters of The Order of Gargoyles (LOL) and the Gargoyle Queen (Miranda Otto). The Gargoyle Queen (LAWLS) informs the Creature of the spiritual war that wages all around the world in secret. The Archangel Michael, sensing a rising evil in the world, created the Order, comprised mostly of angelic beings disguised as gargoyles, to protect humanity.
Meanwhile, 666 legions of vicious demons in human form plotted to overthrow the Gargoyles somehow and sparked a holy war. As it turns out, both Gargoyle and Demon kind are just as mortal as humans, and they can be destroyed by either “ascending” the Gargoyles, or “descending” the Demons (which is the film’s way of saying “killing”). As a result of this, both sides have suffered heavy casualties, especially the Demons. The Creature is given weapons and an opportunity to fight beside the Gargoyles, but he refuses and instead spends the next 200 years hunting Demons on his own.
Flash forward to the present day and the Demon’s chief commander on Earth, Prince Naberius (Bill Nighy), puts a human scientist (Yvonne Strahovski) to work on uncovering the secret of Frankenstein’s science so he can create an army of empty, reanimated vessels for his fallen soldiers to possess. Both learn of the real Creature’s existence and soon the Creature, now dubbed Adam by the Gargoyle Queen (LAWLercoaster), becomes a commodity hotter than cocaine in Brian De Palma’s writing room. As the race to capture and contain Adam heats up on both sides, he must decide where he stands and how he will protect the pretty blonde scientist that he looks at with slightly less disdain than everything else.
For an action blockbuster with a premise that out of control, this film takes itself FAR too seriously. There’s not even a hint of tongue in cheek. Every line is delivered with a deadpan, monotonous certainty, for what I assume, is an attempt to add some validity and impact to a totally bonkers film. Without any hint of realization about itself, the serious tone of the movie just suggests that everyone involved in writing and producing it was flat out dumb. Even stone sober action films like The Dark Knight Rises and Die Hard had an element of comedy to them to lighten the load and let you know that the filmmakers want you to have as much fun watching it as they did making it. This is utterly absent from this film, and is absolutely the greatest pitfall in the whole movie.
That’s not to say I didn’t laugh. Quite the contrary. I giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl every time someone said Order of Gargoyles (ROFL) or Gargoyle Queen (LMFAO). Equally laughable are the Demon effects, the love story subplot, and the acting. The Demons are literally guys in very cheesy prosthetics that growl and dance around like apes from the Planet of the Apes remake with Marky Mark. None of them were intimidating in the slightest, which in turn, ruins any drama in the action scenes. The Gargoyles are a little more fearsome looking, which is funny considering they’re really angels or some shit, but instead of being practically done, they’re 100% CGI. And not good CGI either.
The love story literally consists of two scenes that, in total, make up about two and a half minutes of the film. There’s a scene where Adam is injured and the lovely Ms. Strahovski’s character (who’s name eludes me) patches him up. Just before she begins, Adam removes his shirt, and the most hilarious look passes over her face. It’s a combination of, “Dayum!” and the look a child gets when they pet a horse’s ass at a petting zoo and the horse shits on their hand without warning. For a moment her face is a stew of confusion, lust, and disbelief, which had my laughs echoing off the empty theater walls. Believe it or not, that’s about as far as the characters come to expressing their feelings for one another, which is funny, because another later scene builds on that baffling moment as the foundation for a change of heart on Adam’s part. There’s no chemistry, sparks, champagne, romantic walks, good dialouge, or even fucking to really show that these two give a damn. Just two brief instances of profound awkwardness.
The rest of the cast seems to just be going through the motions. Bill Nighy is the liveliest of the bunch, and plays a bit with his poorly written lines, but he still felt stiff. Miranda Otto, Queen of Gargoyles (WAHAHAHAHA), makes good use of her sad Eowyn face for a vast majority of her parts. The rest of the time she’s replaced by a creepily masculine lady gargoyle. Think female bodybuilder with a bull shark testosterone problem. The tertiary characters are totally unremarkable, and even Yvonne Strahovski brings nothing to the table except her devastatingly good looks. Aaron Eckhart looks perpetually constipated when he’s doing anything other than slaughtering beasties, and his gruff voice overs and one liners are devoid of… well everything.
By the end of the film I had tired of the formula of ten minutes of non stop action followed by five minutes of lengthy, boring exposition as the rules of the world these characters inhabit were dictated like a chant in the weakest attempt at world building I’ve ever seen. Although, at the end, there’s set up for a sequel, which gave me another hearty laugh…
Score: 2
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