Director: George Lucas
Cast: Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, Ian McDiarmid, Christopher Lee
Series: Star Wars
MPAA Rating: PG
Length: 142 Minutes
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Forced Feelings
This review features spoilers for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars (1977), and Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
So The Phantom Menace happened. Like your first sexual experience, Episode I of the Star Wars Saga was a fumbling, if good natured attempt to induce pleasure. Poor George Lucas hadn't had a good creative coupling in so long, the he blew his filmmaker's wad all over the plot, pacing, and characters, resulting in a goddamned mess of a film.
If I'm really comparing Episode I to premature ejaculation, which I am, then Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones would be like waking up next to Farmer McClurgen's prize winning goat, Matilda, while you're both buried under about 42 bottles of Early Times Whiskey, and Matilda is dead from a toy lightsaber that's been lodged handle deep up her ass.
